Saturday, December 5, 2009
He Said To Me!
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Interview at Infosys
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly
speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they ! should ban it.
Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative ..
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform . Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms ! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and ma! ny other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly ..
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I ! know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my
mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I wo! uld like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. ..:-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly
speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they ! should ban it.
Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative ..
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform . Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms ! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and ma! ny other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly ..
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I ! know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI- CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my
mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I wo! uld like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. ..:-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Men are honest liars
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE LIARS!!!!!!"
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE LIARS!!!!!!"
Installation, operation and maintenance of L.V. Distribution Boards
STORAGE
In the event of delay in installation, the panels should be stored in a covered space.
INSTALLATION
The Panels after reaching the site i.e. place of installation, the following procedure should be followed for installation: -
1.Ensure location of installation should be adequately ventilated and free from dipping water, water logging, sources of heat etc...
2.Remove the wooden packing case (if packed in wooded case) by removing top of cover first and then four sides. Due care should be take so that the packing case opening tools do not hit any of the instruments provided on the front of the panel. Remove the panel from wooden base frame.
3.Remove polythene and paper covering sheet from the panel. Remove corrugated paper packing (in case of paper packing only) from the panel.
4.Check the material as per the packing list provided for this purpose.
5. Ensure proper protection from mechanical damage which may be caused by activities in the surroundings is provided.
6.Components projecting out from the Panel Boards viz. metering glasses, instrument windows, rotary handles, switches, relays etc. shall be protected during installation activities.
7.Align various shipping sections of the panel (In case of panels with multi transport section) in one line on the place of installation. Check the straightness of panel. Check the vertical placement of panel with the help of plumb line and if required use thin packing to adjust vertical plumb of panel.
8.Tighten various panels with each other with the help of nuts and bolts provided for the purpose on one side of each transport section and ensure that rubber gasket is available between two transport sections which are also provided on one side of each transport section.
9.Join bus bar of various transport sections with bus bar jointing fishplates and nuts and bolts provided for the purpose. The required fish plates are fixed on one side of main horizontal bus bars of each transport section duly reversed and tightened with nuts and bolts. On the other side of horizontal bus bars required number and sizes of nuts and bolts are provided.
10.Fix panels with the base channel provided on the trench with the help of foundation bolts or by welding. The panels with top cable entry i.e., without trench can be fixed by grouting panel to pockets provided in the floor for this purpose with the help of foundation bolts.
11.Check all the bus bars jointing and supporting bolts for any looseness as they might have loosened in transport. If so found the same should be tightened properly preferably with a torque wrench.
12.Check for looseness of any wiring on auxiliary control equipment and tighten them properly as the same might have also loosened in transport.
13.Carry out power and control cabling for both incoming and outgoing feeders. Also connect control wires in the terminals for inter-panel wiring provided for this purposes on both sides of transport sections. (In case of electrical interlocking of 2 or more I/C feeders).
14.Un drilled gland plates are provided at the bottom to facilitate cable entries. Ensure to plug extra / vacant entries after completion of work to arrest entry of rodents, vermins and dust.
15.Restore insulated shrouding if removed while cabling is being done
16.Check for any foreign material or tools left over in the panel at the time of installation and cabling.
17.Clean the panel with the help of vacuum cleaner.
18.Station earthing should be properly connected to the earth studs / earth bar provided on both sides of Panel.
19.Current Transformers are provided with shorting links. Ensure links are open before commissioning of the Panel Board. In case a device is connected to CTs needs to be disconnected or not supplied, close the links to those CTs ensuring safe grounding.
20.Carry out Megger test (insulation) for the panel, check for satisfactory results.
21.After all above points are completed satisfactory, the Panel Board is ready for energisation.
OPERATION
1)The Panels should be put in to operation only after completing erection of pre-commissioning checks including the safety precautions i.e. all insulating guards/shrouds to be in position.
2)First, the incomer circuit breaker shall be made ON by pressing Knob of the ACB (or) by operating the handle of MCCB/ISOLATOR, to ON position and check the voltage between phases and neutral.
3)Switch ON the outgoing feeders step by step so as to feed the connected load.
4)Check the load condition on each outgoing feeder by means of a tong meter . The reading should be less than the rating of the MCCB.
5)Check total load on the panel by measuring the current in incoming feeder to ensure that connected load is not exceeded.
6)During exigencies, if any, switch off the incomer feeder.
7)Once the switching devices have been operated as required, ensure that all doors, covers etc. are properly closed.
MAINTENANCE
The Panels should be maintained periodically. A reference chart for maintenance is attached for reference. However, if required, frequency may be increased by concerned engineer depending on place of installation, and frequency of operation of panel & the electrical components mounted therein. Maintenance works inside the Panel shall be done only after taking proper power shutdown.
A. Precautions before starting maintenance:
1. Switch off incoming power supply before removing outer covers.
2. Measure voltage on busbars to ensure that busbars are de-energized.
3. Switch off the control supply.
4. Isolate remote control voltage sources, if any.
5. Ensure that only qualified personnel are instructed and permitted to attend the maintenance.
6. Do not attempt to disconnect any terminations when the door interlock mechanism is defeated to open a compartment door.
7. Current transformer primaries must not be energized when secondaries are open circuited. Short all CT secondaries
For safety of personnel working on busbars, provide temporary earthing using a metallic chain/ strip near the workplace. Remove this earthing only after the job is completed
B. Periodic Maintenance:
1.All busbar joints and tap off points to be periodically checked by torque wrench for their tightness at least once in a year.
2.All dust and foreign material should be removed.
3.All cable connections to MCCB/ISOLATOR should be properly tightened to avoid any undue stress on the terminals on for better contact pressure to avoid localized heating. Periodical checking of the contact should be done. Check for damage or pitting of contact of ACBs, MCCB’s and Contactors. It is advised to follow the respective instruction manuals of manufacturers of these components.
4.Periodical tripping and closing/opening of circuit breaker should be checked qualified maintenance person, if found not in order the circuit breaker should be replaced.
5.All removable covers to be checked for proper fixation and damage of gasket to avoid ingress of dust and vermin.
6.Check for damage of any shroud and guard while operation.
7.Check for trouble free operation of electrical components by manual operation on no load.
8.Ensure that all shrouds and guards are replaced to their original position after maintenance.
9.Ventilation provided on the panel should not be blocked periodical checking of the air vents to be taken care for proper air circulation there by minimizing heating of the component.
10. The operation of system can be checked as per the drawings enclosed.
11.The maintenance and operation of panel should be carried out in the supervision of qualified engineer duly authorized by electricity authority.
12.For the requirement of spares / components please refer to the drawing / BOM provided with the panel / enclosed.
Onion & Christmas tree
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
Family Problem
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems. Gimme a break!!" |
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Does Management know their staff?
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir....!"
Have gud day....
Priesthood
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.......
Then all the other bells started to ring!!!
This is creepy
This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She has a boy friend named Shankar. Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone. You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost.
She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya's family knows about their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family. (just imagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away please burn me with my handphone" she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people cant carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". then her friends told Darin about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. after that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. (can u feel the fear. I'm shaking at this moment)
Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom. Shankar :...."Atte, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home today, i wanna surprise her." Her mother replied....."You come home first, i wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they told him the truth about Priya.
Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsense". then they show him the original death certificate to him. They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) ..
He said... "Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from Priya, see this..." he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them told him to answer.he talked using the loudspeaker mode. all of them heard his conversation.
Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed inside the coffin they were so shocked and asked for pak Darin's help again. pak Darin brought his master (tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...
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>HUTCH has the best coverage JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
Wherever you go, our network follows!!!!
Apology Letter
A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new
School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of
joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I
am
not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint
your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time
lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk
rejected
to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with
great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible
for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint
first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!"
School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of
joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I
am
not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint
your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time
lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk
rejected
to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with
great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible
for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint
first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!"
Sunday, November 29, 2009
INDIAN HELL
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he findS that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."
THE PRIEST, NUN AND THE CAMEL
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
'Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, father', the nun answered.
'In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree.' said the nun.
'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister would you mind if I touched them?'
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. And she enjoyed it.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, sister?'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be Ok', the priest replied lifting his robe and exposing his member.
'Oh, father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true father?'
'Yes it is, sister.'
'Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?'
SARDARJI JOKES
NASA was getting ready to launch a very important
space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and
double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed
to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never
took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were
puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered
to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the
Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the
rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew
what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our
Bajaj scooters in India".
space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and
double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed
to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never
took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were
puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered
to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the
Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the
rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew
what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our
Bajaj scooters in India".
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN BAR AND BRA
What are the similarities of BAR & BRA
1. Both words have the same letters
2. Both are drinking zones
3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing
4. More importantly, Both makes Men crazy when open.
BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE
BEFORE MARRIAGE
JOHN- Ah! At last, I can hardly wait
JANE- Do u want me to leave?
JOHN-No!Dont even thyink about it
JANE-Do you love me?
JOHN-Ofcourse. Always have and always will
JANE-Have you ever cheated on me
JOHN-No, why are you even asking?
JANE-Will you kiss me
JOHN-Every chance i get
JANE-Will you hit me?
JOHN- Hell no! Are you crazy?
JANE-Can i trust you?
JOHN- Yes
JANE- Darling
FOR AFTER MARRIAGE READ FROM BOTTAM BACK TO TOP
JOHN- Ah! At last, I can hardly wait
JANE- Do u want me to leave?
JOHN-No!Dont even thyink about it
JANE-Do you love me?
JOHN-Ofcourse. Always have and always will
JANE-Have you ever cheated on me
JOHN-No, why are you even asking?
JANE-Will you kiss me
JOHN-Every chance i get
JANE-Will you hit me?
JOHN- Hell no! Are you crazy?
JANE-Can i trust you?
JOHN- Yes
JANE- Darling
FOR AFTER MARRIAGE READ FROM BOTTAM BACK TO TOP
SHORT JOKES
1.A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
2.Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
3.
2.Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
3.
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
4 A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
5.Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
6.A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"MALLU MARRIAGE PROPOSAL
Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly gay . Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours
Kutty
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly gay . Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours
Kutty
ALL TIME NAUGHTY LINES
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbour, then it is sociology. Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"
Last but not least
Secret of long life...
Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night between two legs
ENGINEERS VS DOCTORS
ENGINEERS VS DOCTORS....Must read.. its hilarious
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.
So both groups gather at Pune Station.
Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come........ When TC arrives,
All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes Away....
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal".....
All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all !!!!!..
TC arrives..... .
ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET. ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the
ticket and comes in Eng. Bathroom...!
TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined..
SCENE 3 (LONAVALA):
------------ --------- --------- --------- --
So now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 ticket....
Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............ ......... ...
Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... .....!!!
Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses,
don't mess with Engineers.
iNDIANS AND PAKISTANIS
Two Radical Pakistanis boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, an Indian army guy sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Indian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get
a coke.' '
Don't get up,' said the Indian, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Pakis picked up the Indian's shoe and spat in it.
When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other
Paki picked up the Indian's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Indian returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki neighbors .
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on . . . ?
This fighting between our nations . . . ?
This hatred . . . ?
This animosity . . .... ?
THIS SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKES . . ?
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, an Indian army guy sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Indian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get
a coke.' '
Don't get up,' said the Indian, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Pakis picked up the Indian's shoe and spat in it.
When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other
Paki picked up the Indian's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Indian returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki neighbors .
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on . . . ?
This fighting between our nations . . . ?
This hatred . . . ?
This animosity . . .... ?
THIS SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKES . . ?
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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