INDIAN HELL

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he findS that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

THE PRIEST, NUN AND THE CAMEL

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

'Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, father', the nun answered.

'In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree.' said the nun.

'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. And she enjoyed it.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, sister?'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be Ok', the priest replied lifting his robe and exposing his member.

'Oh, father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true father?'

'Yes it is, sister.'

'Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?'

You will like this one

SARDARJI JOKES

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important
space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and
double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed
to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never
took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were
puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered
to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the
Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the
rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew
what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our
Bajaj scooters in India".

ENGLISH SKILLS

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said
'Who r u ?' (Instead of 'How r u?'. )

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied
'me too, ha-ha....'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

Moral of the Story:

Let Experts do their Work

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN BAR AND BRA

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA

1. Both words have the same letters

2. Both are drinking zones

3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing

4. More importantly, Both makes Men crazy when open.

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE

BEFORE MARRIAGE

JOHN- Ah! At last, I can hardly wait
JANE- Do u want me to leave?
JOHN-No!Dont even thyink about it
JANE-Do you love me?
JOHN-Ofcourse. Always have and always will
JANE-Have you ever cheated on me
JOHN-No, why are you even asking?
JANE-Will you kiss me
JOHN-Every chance i get
JANE-Will you hit me?
JOHN- Hell no! Are you crazy?
JANE-Can i trust you?
JOHN- Yes
JANE- Darling

FOR AFTER MARRIAGE READ FROM BOTTAM BACK TO TOP

SHORT JOKES

1.A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
2.Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
3.

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

4 A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

5.Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

6.A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

MALLU MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.



I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.



I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly gay . Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.That is how nice I am.



I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.



I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.



If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.



Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours

Kutty

ALL TIME NAUGHTY LINES

All time best Naughty Lines ... Enjoy Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.

* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbour, then it is sociology. Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"

Last but not least
Secret of long life...
Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night between two legs

Universal law of Love:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

************ *

First law of Love:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "

************ *

Second law of Love:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "

************ *

Third law of Love:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ."

*********

ENGINEERS VS DOCTORS

ENGINEERS VS DOCTORS....Must read.. its hilarious

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.


So both groups gather at Pune Station.



Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..



Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come........ When TC arrives,



All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes Away....



NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal".....
All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all !!!!!..

TC arrives..... .



ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET. ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.



One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the

ticket and comes in Eng. Bathroom...!

TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined..



SCENE 3 (LONAVALA):

------------ --------- --------- --------- --

So now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 ticket....

Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...



SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ............ ......... ...

Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train....... .....!!!



Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses,
don't mess with Engineers.

iNDIANS AND PAKISTANIS

Two Radical Pakistanis boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, an Indian army guy sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Indian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get
a coke.' '

Don't get up,' said the Indian, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Pakis picked up the Indian's shoe and spat in it.

When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other
Paki picked up the Indian's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Indian returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki neighbors .


'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on . . . ?

This fighting between our nations . . . ?

This hatred . . . ?

This animosity . . .... ?

THIS SPITTING IN SHOES AND PISSING IN COKES . . ?

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.